Chrysalis Book Pre-Launch & High Tea {2010}

TUESDAY 4 MAY 2010
LENZERHEIDE RESTAURANT, HAWTHORN

 

A book is one of my most favourite things. There is something so special about a book: I want to hold it, feel it, interact with it, and spend time delving deep into its pages of wisdom, being charmed by beautiful imagery and invigorated by powerful words. Books are timeless and irreplaceable.

The thought of publishing a book has been one of those secret dreams I have held for a long time, in that very private place where there are no such things as limits, and reality cannot infiltrate in its “buts”, “don’t be silly’s” and doubts of dream fulfillment.

I recognise my sister as the woman who revealed the beauty of books to me. Working for Penguin, she used to regularly bundle up an assortment of books and surprise me with express post bags on my doorstep. It didn’t take long for me to dream of creating my own. The idea of capturing my own reality of the world onto a series of pages, branding my name on the front cover and sending this across the world for people to find delight in, completely enamored me.

I wanted to do it by 21 – which seemed far too ambitious and absolutely unlikely until the Chrysalis project came to life. And now, somehow, I have. But this book release has a much greater purpose than fulfilling my own dreams, or sitting on a library shelf. Chrysalis has taken on a life of its own, and I think this project has now become much bigger than me and the whole team driving it. We have taken the artworks out into communities that need awareness and we have reached hearts that need hope. The response we have had, together with the special interactions I have been privileged to share tells me that it is working.

Probably the most profound reflection was from a lady in Port Augusta, perhaps 60 years of age, who had struggled with depression throughout her life. She spent an hour walking through the exhibition and then greeted Wayne. Not only did she proceed to tell him how much she identified with the emotions and related to the journey, despite suffering a completely different illness… she actually could pinpoint her own recovery position on that timeline of my sixty artworks, saying, “I’ve just realised that there’s still more for me to experience.”

To think this lady discovered a realisation that she can go further in her own recovery framework still sends shivers down my spine.

Today, given the Mother’s Day theme, I have been asked by Robyn and Sharon to reflect on my relationship with my own Mother. Mum is here today, and i’d like to invite her up here while I speak.

I absolutely love my Mum to bits, and standing here now, I feel very lucky to have the relationship we share today. It is one of resilience, trust and unconditional love. But our relationship hasn’t always been this way – particularly throughout my eating disorder, and to an extent during the years since.

My eating disorder formed an impenetrable barrier between our loves for each other. Mum, being the heartbeat of our home, could not accept this unwanted guest in our home, and I could not conceive living my life without it. The intensity of emotions I wrestled with were too horrific to verbalise, and because I could not let her into my world, I completely shut her out. My eating disorder became all-consuming; so perhaps there was just too much love that, simply, it could no longer fit when the eating disorder was in residence. One of the Chrysalis artworks ’Sanctuary‘ directly reflects on how disconnected we became.

We have shared a dynamic and constantly changing relationship since my recovery. Coming out of such an ambiguous reality, the real world was a daunting place, and I was pretty set on finding my own feet. When I consider the caliber of strain those six years put on our relationship, I suppose it is not surprising that there was a lot of healing that needed to take place between Mum and I, and re-strengthening those bonds was going to take some time.

I think it is only this year that I have really started to find an appreciation, unfathomable respect and gratitude for my Mum. It’s funny – up until recently, I felt scared to share a lot of myself with her, and I’m probably not alone in being the girl who could ‘never tell her mother that’. Perhaps I just needed to take that chance, because by taking the leap and sharing a little more of my heart with her, I feel we have discovered a new depth and strength to our relationship.

Mum, every day I feel more and more like your friend. Sometimes I still see the caution and fear in your eyes as I embark on another crazy creative project or throw myself into something challenging and probably well beyond my means, but now I trust in the trust that you have in me to look after myself, and the freedom you allow me to dream, explore, seek and grow.

Happy Mother’s Day Mum, I love you very much.